new student, any volunteers to show me round the academy? :)x

Bye Bye Sam!

Hello everyone. i had such an emotional day. Just dealing with alot with the fiancee. He is finally having emotions about his situation and he is a roller coaster. Angry as hell one minute. Low, real low the next. He was angry for awhile and he was taking it out on me, picking verbal fights and snapping and taht sort of stuff. I can handle that. what i couldn't handle was he wouldn't communicate with me. he went online and chatted with everyone about everything and then called his parents and spoke to them. Then, hours later, he wanted to talk to me. I didn't have anything left it me by that time. I was just done. And then he got upset about it again. But then we sat down and talked and honestly he's thing now is he wants to go to texas and be with his family and do his treatment there. I can't ditch my family and do that. My dad is going to go through chemo too. I've done everything for the hubby. Everything. I'm the only one that stood by his side. His parents done nothing. NOTHING. at all. Except his step mom annoyed the hell outta me. But they were absolutely no help. I finally got things under control, the best hospital with excellent doctors and almost everything figure out or at least a way to figure things out. I can't go to Texas. His parents aren't going to do all this for him. Figure everything out. Pay the bills. Make the phone calls. Take him to his appointments. Hold his hand through it all. They aren't goin to administer his medication and check on him periodically throughout the night. They aren't going to assess him throughout the day and help him do daily tasks. They simply aren't. I am. And i was furious he's on this new thing about going to texas. He told me he is tired of fighting. Tired of being alone. Tired of being strong. And i tried my best to comfort him and explain to him it's me and him against everything like it's always been. He doesn't have to be strong, i'll be strong. He doesn't have to fight I''ll fight for him. I told him all I'm asking from his is to try his best to commit himself to staying happy, and healthy by staying relaxed and letting his body heal. That's all i ask. We're a team. I'll be there for him always and I'm going through t his with him. He's not alone and I'll fight for him until my very last breath. He's been known this but for right now all he is stuck thinking is he is the one with cancer and the one needing treatment. He's picturing himself 9- pounds, no hair, severely sick from treatments. I keep explaining to him we don't know, not even the doctors how he will react. The oncologist said she thinks he will respond positively and wont' be that sick from treatments based on his otherwise good health and body mass and blood work. It's jsut all so messy right now. We go tomorrow to the radiologist oncologist and they start planning treatments. I read the booklet they gave us, apparently they will be doing CT scans a bunch of tests to map out treatment course tomorrow so we will be there quite awhile.

Sam - Have fun!

Becks - She's doing fine thanks, she sends her love Oooh i hope you have a good time!

Tasha - Wow, I can't actually believe he's doing that. Well I can see why he wants to be with his family, but like you said they haven't done anything for him and well YOU ARE HIS FAMILY! He'll come around I'm sure, and if he doesn't ill shout at him! Of course you can't leave your father. What would you say about just going on like a week visit to his family in Texas? I hope everything gets sorted out

Hello every one!

Tasha, I'm so sorry you are going through all that with your hubby. He's just in an emotional state though and I'm sure once he's calmed down he'll realize he needs to stay there. I understand his need to see his family, but like you said, you're the one taking care of him. Not them. I hope today goes well and that everything is better. HUGS!

Tasha hope it gets better *shrugs and offers small smile*

thanks ya'll. he did calm down lots and apologized to me and everything and we talked more. But today we got GREAT news. he doesn't have to go for radiation for 6 months, he is going for 6 weeks. And the doctor is assuring us the only side affect from radiation is hair loss. He still has to do chemo and that has side effects and chemo will be 6 months but his oncologists is fairly certain she is going the chemo pill for him. So that is great news for us. His doctor also assured him his weak state and fatigue and low stamina WILL get better and said everything my hubby is feeling ( pain and headaches and stuff) is completely normal so we can check that off the worry list. It sucks he has it but we both were paranoid about what it meant. Since it's normal its a sigh of release. Unfortunately the pain wont go away until a year or more the doctor said. But the hubby is freaking ecstatic. He's happy he wont be laid up in bed for months and months.

Tasha, that is AMAZING news! I've never heard of a chemo pill but that sounds loads better than the original. And knocking 6 months of radiation down to 6 weeks, well there's not much i can say to express how awesome that is!

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go Tasha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go Tasha's Hubby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go Tasha's Hubby's Doctor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you all so much. I havent been this happy since before the hubby got sick. I know it's still going to be a struggle for awhile and he still has to go through alot of recovering and dealing with side affects from chemo and stuff. BUt after standing strong ready to face chemo and radiation everyday for six months? six weeks sounds relatively small in comparison. I'm just so happy for him, he was so very happy and laughing and joking and even play fighting and pulling pranks on me today. His spirits are so very high and it lifts my heart to see it and be a part of it.

well just wait til the 6 weeks is up then he'll be estatic

im so confused...so how is everyone?...

Morning girls.

Tasha: that's great news!

Chole: I'm having a wonderful time. I miss you.

Tania: I'm doing good, just a bit tired. It's four in the morning and I've gotten no sleep thanks to nightmares. How are you??

Becca: I'm purrrrrrrfect at the moment just thinking about sleeping in Shea's arms helped me sleep, but it didnt't stop from reality kicking in. At first I had a nice dream, and then after waking up at three and then falling back asleep, I had a nightmare. It was horrible I woke up on the floor and started shaking...I dislike when that happens.



Okay, so, I know half (well, most) of you girls won't like what I'm about to say, but I'm gonna say it anyway. So, me and Shea have been talking lately, and I think, in a while, we'll start living with each other. After I turn 16 I'm gonna try and get a job so maybe, by senior year, we can leave our parents house and find a temporary place until we can get and afford a permanent one. I've already got what small living space I would like to have for a temporary place. I've told Shea already, and he said he likes it. Although, I'm certain there will be a few things he'd like to add lol. So.........what do you guys think?...not so bad, right?.....

wait..........................Tani didn't you and Dominoes (Shea) break up

Well Tania, you still have a few years to go and anything can happen between now and then. If it works out for you thats great. I just personally think it's way too soon to be talking about that.

Thank you everyone for all your support. I feel tons better than i have in a long time. So does the hubby.

Becca- I can offer some advice dealing with nightmares. Some superstitious suggestions. Some calming techniques. I used to have really bad nightmares and i haven't had any ( that i remember) in years.

Before sleep don't watch or read anything that gets the mind wandering. Write out whats on your mind, your fears. U dont have to read it to yourself. U don't have to write good. It doesnt have to make sense. I can literally be random tidbits. BUt just write everything that crosses your mind. When your mind slows down. Do some breathing exercises and stretches. And i know I personally dont' sleep as soon as i lay down. it takes a while. I used instrumental music so lyrics don't influences my emotions. Or school work. Dull non-emotional things. Or i would work out hardcore and just pass out. That sort of stuff. The whole point is to not over think and stress and with the writing u may be releasing things ur subconscious is thinking and would wander too when sleeping. I also did some superstitious things, light lavender incense. Saged my room. I put a dream catcher by my bed. I also put a cup of water ( in a glass) under my bed. After doing all that for a week or so my nightmares slowly went away.


Tania- I support the wanting to move out as soon as you've become 18. i also support the working at 16. My parents didn't want me to work- they both had good jobs at the time and we had the luxury of me just being able to focus on school. So i didn't work. At 18 i started college and though my parents were no longer worker their good jobs and were struggling I was getting financial aid so my dad told me just focus on school. At 20 when i desperately needed to work- i severely lacked the work experiences. Now at 22 with a degree and only very little school related internships and clubs and volunteer work for experience. No professional experience. Its so hard to get a job. I'm just not qualified. So i tell everyone to work as soon as they can even if its part time, it's investing in their future. So working at 16 with the goal of moving out at 18 i support

But you have to realistic too. Its not just rent you have to pay, its everyday expenses, traveling money ( weather its a car( which u have to pay for an actually car or pay monthly for it and pay for insurance for it) or public transportation u have to pay for that) there is tons of other bills that come with living on your own. Utility bills. Not to mention luxury bills like cell phones and cable and internet. Also food. U'll be surprised how much food shopping costs. Plus, its good to have a little savings incase stuff happens liek care breaks down. Hospital bill. Getting sick. Something broke. NEed to pay a plumber. So just be prepared for that. I support the wanting to work young and save. SAVE as much as you can while living at home with family. Cause once on your own u wont be able to save much.

But like Wilda said, don't rely on a guy. Don't move out with a guy. Or make plans to move out with a guy until it's actually time for it. Alot can happen from now to then. Just work on being independent. He should work on being independent. And then when you guys are self sufficient. You can plan on living together. But what happens if you guys move in together and get into a fight? Break up? One moves out.. how is the bills gunna get paid? thats why i said work on being independent and self sufficient first. Be able to support yourself and live on your own. Then everything with guys will work out.

I feel like ****ing sh*t

Tasha - AHHHH! THAT IS ******* BRILLIANT NEWS!!!!!!! Aw im so happy for you and your hubby, and im dancing in my chair! I'm so glad that he's getting happier, with that news who wouldnt, its like the best I really am exstatic for the both of you Congrats! Love you.

Becks - I miss you too What are you having nightmares about

Rhia - Why do you feel like shit hon?

Wilda - I love you!

Tati - Well if the circumstances were right, then I'd move out and live with the guy I loved (who loved me back). But I have a family I don't want to leave behind. What would your family do? And I think you may be a little young at the moment to like pay bills and cope with all that, I imagine its stressful, especially as you dont have any help! And anything could happen, what if you decide you dont want to anymore, or you fall out of love? You just need to think of the consequences as well.

I love you too Chloe

Tania, I completely agree with both Tasha and Chloe. Become independant before moving in with a guy. I have no regrets as far as my kids and hubby go, But I do wish I were more independant. I've never lived on my own and imo that experience is very important. You can't always depend on others, I got really lucky with my hubby. Find a friend to move in with or wait until you go to college and have that experience on campus living and all first.

Rhia, hope you feel better hun!

Becca, sorry you are having nightmares

Wilda: that's not gonna happen for another week cause we have the PSSAs from the March 14th-21st blegh *makes funny gross face*

Chloe: not shit I feel like fucking shit and that's cause I have the PSSAs next week and I had to walk in the St. Patty's day parade with horses in front of my beautiful darling of Irish Wolfhound Michael Collins

Okay, okay, sheesh ladies. Look, I wasn't talking about now, and neither is he. We're talking about a year or two from now. And, no, we didn't "break up" in a way, we're together and in a way we "aren't datting" but that doesnt mean we don't care about each other. Yes, it seems a little early, yes it's nearly impossible, yes we'll both have school, and yes, the stress will be agonizing; but in the long run, when and if everything works out, then it'll all be okay. And we'd know we chose right. If not, then either we can try again or move on. At the moment, moving on seems meanigless...suicidal almost...so I'm staying. I don't want to lose him, and if I did right now...I wouldn't be able to handle it. But I'm not losing him, I just hope he won't go running away in the army that's the one thing I fear the most is losing him when and once I finally really have him for myself...but still. Ugh, I feel sick and I'm sooooo dizzy, nightie night everyone, it's already 5:42 v.v -yawns and curls up in bed-

sleep tight Tania

Rhia: Thank you -yawns- ugh, Shea woke me up XD lol, dorko. Anyways, how did you sleep?

me oh I slept fine last night so no more headache and when is Dominoes gonna be online again cause I wanna call him Dominoes to his face/computer screen

Im not sure Rhia, I'll ask him for ya?...

mkay well starting today til the 21st I will have no homework and will be taking the PSSAs