| Shadow Bite A hang out forum, for Richelle Mead's Vampire Academy novels. |
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| I started to write a story. | |
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+5RandD4ever CryingSoul torii143 Shola darkangel24 9 posters | |
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darkangel24
Posts : 784 Join date : 2010-02-15 Age : 40 Location : Somewhere over the rainbow with Dimitri
| Subject: I started to write a story. Sun Feb 28, 2010 11:41 am | |
| I would like it if you guys gave me some feedback. Please be honest.
“There is something strange about this alley.” I told myself. I was standing on an almost deserted street looking down an alley that I constantly past on my way back to the orphanage. I always got a strange feeling when passing it but could never figure out what it was. I’ll investigate it someday, I thought to myself but for now I had to leave.
I was in a rush. I had a lot of homework I had to complete and there was a family who were going to visit. I always appeared to not care if I got adopted or not, but on the inside I always hoped that it would be me that would get a new home. I have lived at St. Joseph’s Orphanage in little old Boresville. That’s my nickname for this place. Nothing exciting ever happened here. The worse thing that ever happened here was a teen would get caught drinking in public. Totally dull, I know. So, where was I? Hmmmm? Oh yeah! I have lived at St. Joseph’s since I was a baby. I guess my parents didn’t want me, so they left my on the steps on very cold November night. Nana said it was a good thing they knocked on the door or she wouldn’t have known I was out there. Nana has been like a mother to me of course but she would love it if someone would adopt me but for some reason no will. It couldn’t be that I wear all black clothing, could it? Or that I make myself look extremely pale with makeup and black eye shadow, black eye liner and black lip stick.
“Why do you dress like that, Laura?” Nana asked me one day.
“The name is Luna and I dress like this because it’s cool.” I said. I so didn’t want to have this conversation again. Nana always told me that maybe if I add some color to my out fits. Let the black come out of my normally blonde hair and used makeup to give me a glow, I would be adopted in no time. The thing is I want someone to adopt me and love me for me. I don’t want to change my look. Or my attitude.
I could care less about what people think and say about me. I do my own thing and I don’t hurt anyone in the process. I arrived at the orphanage at the same time a couple did. They looked alright but so not the family I want. I ran inside.
“Nana!” I yelled. “There is a couple here!”
Nana came in the living room with a tray of with four tea cups, a tea pot, and a plate of cookies. She placed it on the coffee table. I went to get a cookie but Nana slapped my hand a way.
“Not until you go upstairs, change your clothes and wash up. The Mason’s are here for an interview. They really want to meet you,” she told me.
I bragged myself upstairs and started to wash up without ruining my Goth makeup and changed into a cute outfit I always used for these stupid interviews. I put on a pair of fishnets, a short black skirt, and a black top with blue skulls all over it. Then I fixed my ponytails. I was ready so I crept to the stairs to listen to the conversation already going on.
“She is a sweet girl,” Nana was saying. “She really has a heat of gold.” I had to hold in the laugh that was bubbling inside me. There is no way Nana could be talking about me. I could be sweet if I wanted something but besides that everyone called me a bitch.
Last edited by darkangel24 on Sun Jul 18, 2010 8:13 pm; edited 1 time in total | |
| | | Shola
Posts : 75 Join date : 2010-02-21 Age : 29 Location : In the middle of no where ha ha
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Sun Feb 28, 2010 1:42 pm | |
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| | | torii143
Posts : 4148 Join date : 2009-08-27 Age : 30 Location : Wherever Dimitri is .;) hehe!
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Sun Feb 28, 2010 4:30 pm | |
| i like it! | |
| | | darkangel24
Posts : 784 Join date : 2010-02-15 Age : 40 Location : Somewhere over the rainbow with Dimitri
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Wed Mar 03, 2010 7:18 pm | |
| Okay hear is the first chapter. The books title is DEADLY LOVE. I am also listing the main charaters and their info.
Character list
Luna (Laura) ~ Goth with attitude, Long (about to her hips) dyed black hair (originally blonde), sky blue eyes, about 5 feet, 4 inches. She doesn't care what people think about her, just don't try to change her, it makes her made. She can be your friend but if you make her mad, you better run.
Nana ~ Runs St. Joseph's Orphanage. She dress like an ordinary person, trousers and a nice shirt is what she prefers. She has chestnut hair and forest green eyes. She is sweet and loving. She wants ever child to have a good home.
Jet ~ He is a Goth. He and his twin sister grew up with Luna until they were adopted 1 year ago. Jet has short platinum blonde hair and midnight black eyes. He is about 6 feet tall. He cares about is friends and will defend them when necessary. He gets along with everyone. He has the biggest crush on Luna.
Snow ~ Jet’s twin sister. She is a lot like her brother. No one really knows the true color of her hair because she changes it almost every month. She has the same colored eyes as Jet but she is about a foot shorter than him. She can get along with people but she hates teachers. She was adopted by the same family that adopted Jet. Jet and Snow are Luna’s only and best friends.
Nick Sanders ~ Nick is a jock. Whatever sport he plays he excels in. He has short curly brandy brown hair and eyes. He is Luna’s enemy. They are constantly going after one another.
Drake ~ He is a vampire general. He has long jet black hair that he sometimes ties back. His eyes are emerald green and he is 6 feet 5 inches tall, very well built. He is extremely serious about his job. He doesn’t like to play games or not know what is going on in the vampire world. He could care less about humans. They are just food to him. But that changes when he meets Luna.
Thorne ~ He is the king of vampires and Drakes sire. He has gray, almost silver, eyes and pearl white hair. He is about the same height as Drake. He likes it when he has control over everything and everyone.
Scarlet ~ She is Thorne’s first born (made) vampire, mistress, and second in command. She has shoulder length flaming red hair and bottle green eyes. She does exactly the same as Thorne.
Chapter 1 “There is something strange about this alley.” I told myself. I was standing on an almost deserted street looking down an alley that I constantly past on my way back to the orphanage. I always got a strange feeling when passing it but could never figure out what it was. I’ll investigate it someday, I thought to myself but for now I had to leave.
I was in a rush. I had a lot of homework I had to complete and there was a family who were going to visit. I always appeared to not care if I got adopted or not, but on the inside I always hoped that it would be me that would get a new home. I have lived at St. Joseph’s Orphanage in little old Boresville. That’s my nickname for this place. Nothing exciting ever happened here. The worse thing that ever happened here was a teen would get caught drinking in public. Totally dull, I know. So, where was I? Hmmmm? Oh yeah! I have lived at St. Joseph’s since I was a baby. I guess my parents didn’t want me, so they left my on the steps on very cold November night. Nana said it was a good thing they knocked on the door or she wouldn’t have known I was out there. Nana has been like a mother to me of course but she would love it if someone would adopt me but for some reason no will. It couldn’t be that I wear all black clothing, could it? Or that I make myself look extremely pale with makeup and black eye shadow, black eye liner and black lip stick.
“Why do you dress like that, Laura?” Nana asked me one day.
“The name is Luna and I dress like this because it’s cool.” I said. I so didn’t want to have this conversation again. Nana always told me that maybe if I add some color to my out fits. Let the black come out of my normally blonde hair and used makeup to give me a glow, I would be adopted in no time. The thing is I want someone to adopt me and love me for me. I don’t want to change my look. Or my attitude.
I could care less about what people think and say about me. I do my own thing and I don’t hurt anyone in the process. I arrived at the orphanage at the same time a couple did. They looked alright but so not the family I want. I ran inside.
“Nana!” I yelled. “There is a couple here!”
Nana came in the living room with a tray of with four tea cups, a tea pot, and a plate of cookies. She placed it on the coffee table. I went to get a cookie but Nana slapped my hand a way.
“Not until you go upstairs, change your clothes and wash up. The Mason’s are here for an interview. They really want to meet you,” she told me.
I bragged myself upstairs and started to wash up without ruining my Goth makeup and changed into a cute outfit I always used for these stupid interviews. I put on a pair of fishnets, a short black skirt, and a black top with blue skulls all over it. Then I fixed my ponytails. I was ready so I crept to the stairs to listen to the conversation already going on.
“She is a sweet girl,” Nana was saying. “She really has a heat of gold.” I had to hold in the laugh that was bubbling inside me. There is no way Nana could be talking about me. I could be sweet if I wanted something but besides that everyone called me a bitch.
“From what you said on the phone, Laura sounds like a perfect young lady,” said Mrs. Mason.
“Yes, we can’t wait to meet her,” Mr. Mason agreed.
“Well, let me go get Laura so you can meet her,” Nana said while moving to the stairs. I ducked bask into the shadows so she wouldn’t see me. “Laura, can you please come down here. There are a couple people I would like you to meet.”
I stepped out from the shadows and went down the stairs. Nana looked at me with disappointment written all over her face. I guess I didn’t look like the girl she had told the Masons about. She sighed and signaled me to follow her into the living room.
God, I wish I had a camera. The look on the Masons’ faces was priceless. Their eyes were as wide as saucers and their mouths hung open.
“Laura,” Nana said gesturing to the couple, “this is Mr. and Mrs. Mason. Mr. and Mrs. Mason this is Laura.”
“My name is Luna,” I told her. I am really getting tired of her using the name she gave me. I hate Laura. It’s so plain. “Hi! Nice to meet you.” I extended my black nail polish hand to the Mason’s but neither one of them took it.
“Are…you sure that is Laura?” Mr. Mason said slowly. “She does not look like the girl you described.”
Oh Nana, why didn’t you just tell them the truth, I thought.
“I’m sorry but Laura is in need of a home. She has been in the orphanage since she was a baby.” Nana explained to them. “She really is a sweet girl. She just needs a home and loving parents. I think would help her become the girl I know is under all the black.”
I sighed. “I’m going to my room, Nana. I have homework that I need to complete.” I knew that the Masons were not interested in adopting me because I didn’t dress like a cheerleader or a “normal” teenager but why should I care. In two more years I will be an adult. I’ll move out and find a place where I am accepted as me. Where no one will want or try to change me.
As I went up the stairs I heard Nana pleading with the Masons.
“She just needs a home. I think she dresses like that because her parents gave her up at birth. She may act like she doesn’t care, but I can tell that on some level she does and she wants a home.”
I stop and thought about that. Did I dress in all black because I want a family? Do I really want a home? A family? Would I change who I am to have a family?
“No way” I told myself. One, black is my favorite color. Two, if I get adopted that family with just have to accept me for me. I will not change who I am. I’m me! Take it or leave it. I am NOT going to change. | |
| | | torii143
Posts : 4148 Join date : 2009-08-27 Age : 30 Location : Wherever Dimitri is .;) hehe!
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Tue Mar 09, 2010 6:19 pm | |
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| | | CryingSoul
Posts : 38 Join date : 2010-03-11 Location : Wonderland
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Sat Mar 13, 2010 5:43 pm | |
| good story .keep going.good luck on your story | |
| | | darkangel24
Posts : 784 Join date : 2010-02-15 Age : 40 Location : Somewhere over the rainbow with Dimitri
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Sat Mar 13, 2010 6:06 pm | |
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| | | RandD4ever
Posts : 223 Join date : 2009-08-19 Age : 29 Location : In the Cabin... with Dimitri :P.... or in Borders... or hunting Edward down to rid the world of that Pansy once and for all...
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Sun Mar 14, 2010 9:59 am | |
| Its really good! It sounds very interesting! | |
| | | darkangel24
Posts : 784 Join date : 2010-02-15 Age : 40 Location : Somewhere over the rainbow with Dimitri
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Thu Mar 18, 2010 5:30 pm | |
| Chapter 2 The next day, I found myself staring down that alley again. I wanted to go down there. I had to go down there. My whole body told me to go but some small part of my brain told me to run away. It was too dangerous. There was something down there that wanted to kill me.
Next thing I knew there was a hand on my shoulder. I screamed. I whipped around to find the twins, Jet and Snow, laughing hysterically at me.
“Holy sugar balls!” I yelled. Yes, I have my own language. “You nearly gave me a heart attack!” I gave them my best glare, which just made them laugh even harder.
I stood there for like a minute waiting for them to stop laughing but they didn’t. So I started walking to school. The twins caught up with me in no time, apologizing for scaring me. I always walked to and from school with Jet and Snow.
They are fraternal twins. Jet was six foot, platinum blonde hair and midnight black eyes. He got along with everyone, but he preferred to hang out with Snow and me. He has an athletic build to him and is constantly asked to join a sports team but he doesn’t. Snow has the same eyes and gets along with everyone except teachers. Don’t ask me why. I have no idea. Something else I don’t know is Snow’s true hair color. She changes it like every month. This month it’s a light blue and it’s short like a bob. She is five foot and her face is made up with pale foundation, blue eye shadow, black eyeliner, and blue lips. Jet only wears black eyeliner.
I have known the twins for ten years. They were abandoned when they were six years old. When they arrived and asked their names, they each said one word because that was all they could say. Jet said “jet” and Snow said “snow.” So those two words became their names. No one knows who their parents are or where they came from. So we pretty much grew up together. Nana blames me for them becoming Goth like me. But a year ago, a family came along and adopted the twins saying that they couldn’t separate them.
I feared that the twins would move to a different town but they stay here in Boresville and goes to Boresville High with me.
“So what are you doing this weekend?” inquired Snow.
“I don’t know,” I sighed. ”I think Nana isn’t going to let me out.” I explained what happened at the interview yesterday.
“Someone is bound to come along and adopt you,” Jet said when I was finished. “Nana just has to learn to tell the truth and let you be you. When the right family comes along you’ll know.” He had turned a little shy since we started walking and he had this sparkle in his eyes. I wondered if he was okay. I have to remember to ask Snow later. I thought to myself.
“Maybe, but what’s the point! In two years I will be an adult. I’ll move out of St. Joseph’s, find a job and an apartment. Then I’ll be all set,” I told them.
“What about college?” Snow questioned for like the thousandths time. I’m really getting tired of this conversation.
“What about it?”
“You're not going? I heard that a lot of jobs require some college now a days and I thought the three of us would go together.”
“Leave her alone, sis,” Jet to the rescue. “If she doesn’t want to go that’s fine. We can’t force her. Anyway it’s her life.”
“And you know what? We still have time to decide.” I said. “We have all next year to make any final decisions.” To tell the truth, I really didn’t know if I was going to college or not. What would I major? What classes would I take? I didn’t have the answers to these questions.
Silence fell between us for a little bit.
“Why did you ask about the weekend?” I asked remembering Snow’s original question.
“I saw this ad for a new club. Oh! What’s its name?” Snow was really thinking hard. I saw steam coming out of her ears. I looked at Jet and he was thinking as hard as Snow.
“Night Shadow!” the twins said in unison
“Jinx!” They said after realizing they said it at the exact same time. “Double jinx!” God this was going nowhere fast.
“Well,” I said interrupting their battle. “I’ll see what Nana says. I’m assuming that I’ll be staying at your house?”
“Exactamoondo!” said Jet. “But you will have to sleep in Snow’s room. Mary doesn’t like boys and girls in the same bedroom unless the door is open.” He winked is eye at me and I rolled my eyes in return. Snow? Well, Snow was making gagging noises. I couldn’t help it but laugh because then Jet decided he didn’t like Snow’s reaction so he started to chase her. I had to deal with kind of comedy every day.
Jet caught up to Snow really fast since he is a foot taller than her. He had her arms pinned behind her back when I got there.
“Free tickles! Tickle Snow for free!” yelled Jet with a huge grin on his face. “Well, hello Miss! How can I help?” he asked me.
“How much is it to tickle someone?” I asked and batted my eyes at him. Which I think he liked.
“Well it’s free.”
“Really?” I said with a mischievous grin.
“NO! Luna don’t do it!” Snow gasped out while trying to catch her breath.
I started to get closer, still grinning. But instead of tickling Snow, I reach around and tickled Jet on his side. He laughed and his grip on Snow loosened enough for her to wiggle out. Then she too turned on him and tickled him. He couldn’t stop us and he fell to the ground laughing his head off. I think he might have wet himself if a voice didn’t interrupt us.
“Look what we have here,” said a familiar voice. “Goth on Goth action. So Jet, what did you have pay to get that kind of action.”
I knew that if I turned around I would see my worst enemy. Snow and I turned to face Nick Sanders and his group of jocks. Nick had short curl brandy hair and brandy eyes. He was your typical jerk, I mean jock. He thought he was better than everyone since his father was mayor.
“At least he gets action,” I said. There were a lot of “oh's” form his group of jocks.
“Well he can have you freaks. Why would someone like me want someone like you, freak girl? You would probably give us all a disease or something,” said Nick.
Now he was making me mad. Nick thought that since I live in the orphanage that I had all kinds of diseases. He constantly went around school telling people I had a contagious disease and that everyone should stay far away from me. And of course, everyone believed him, that’s why Jet and Snow are my only friends. They knew that I wasn’t sick.
“You know dick wad that is like so boring. You say the same thing over and over again and you have no proof,” said Jet. He and Snow stood up for me a lot. “And if you continue to pick on Luna, I will have to beat you to the ground.”
“Oooooohhhhh! I shaking in my boots,” Nick said pretending to shake. “You can’t touch me and if you do I will have you thrown in jail.”
“How are they going to know it was me?” questioned Jet. “I could make it look like an accident.” He had a mischievous glint in his eyes. I knew he would do anything for me. I wonder if he has a crush on me.
“I dare you, freak lover.”
Nick and Jet were squaring off when the principal of the school, Mrs. Johnson, stepped out of the school’s gates.
“Is there a problem, gentlemen?” asked Mrs. Johnson.
“No, Mrs. Johnson,” said Nick, giving her is best innocent smile. “We were just talking.”
“Well, enough talking and get to class before you all are late. I don’t want to see anyone in my office,” replied Mrs. Johnson.
Nick and his group followed Mrs. Johnson on to the school grounds, while glaring at us. We, of course, just glared back. Once they were in the building, Jet, Snow and I entered as well.
“Thanks Jet,” I said. “But next time will you please let me handle it? I know how to deal with those idiots.”
“I was just trying to help,” he said looking embarrassed and a little angry at me. “You don’t have to stand up to them alone, you know?”
Jet left us quickly, like he couldn’t bear to be around us anymore.
“What was that about?” I asked Snow.
“Duh! Earth to Luna! He likes you. He just doesn’t know how to sow it,” explained Snow. “You should talk to him when you see him. I mean you were like a bitch to him.”
“I didn’t mean to be but he has to understand that I can take care of myself.”
“Whatever,” was the only thing Snow said as she left me standing in a nearly empty hallway.
“Oh man!” I groaned as I hurried to my own class. “Now I have two people mad at me.”
Lucky for me by the time lunch came around Snow had forgiven me. Now I just need to talk to Jet.
Chapter 3 So the rest of the day was boring. Nothing happened except Snow got detention for swearing in class. I waited outside for Jet. I had to talk to him. I tried to during in between classes but he was avoiding me. When I saw him come out the main doors, I ran to catch up to him.
“Hey Jet,” I said sounding a little too chipper. “How was school?”
The only response I got was a grunt.
“I can’t believe Snow got detention again. I mean where does she learn those words?” I was trying to make him laugh but it wasn’t working. He wouldn’t even look at me. I sighed
“Look Jet,” I said grabbing his arm to stop him. “I’m sorry. I appreciate what you did for me this morning, but you have to know that I can take care of myself.”
“Yeah, sure you can,” he muttered.
“What’s that suppose to mean? I would have been able to stop him.”
“All you do is make it so that he can tease you more. And I’m getting sick and tired of seeing you just stand there and take it.” He was getting mad. I could tell because he was almost yelling at me. “Listen! I know you are proud of yourself - and I like that about you - but you shouldn’t stand around and take bullshit like that from an ass like Nick. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“Wow Jet! I didn’t realize you cared so much. It’s cute. I’m sorry I was a bitch and I’ll try hard not to let Nick bully me around, okay?”
“Okay,” he said blushing at what I said to him. “Luna?”
“Hmm?”
“Do you think that you might want to go to Night Shadow with me, like a date?” He was turning really red and I was in shock that he asked me. But what harm could it do? I mean he is cute, smart, and likes to stand up for me. So it would be okay, right?
God this is so hard. I don’t feel the same way he feels for me but if I said “no” that would break his heart and I might lose one of my best friends. Hell, I might lose both of my best friends.
“How about this? We can go together on a date but if we feel like it won’t work out between us, we won’t get mad and we’ll stay friends. Okay?”
“That sounds great, Luna. Thanks.”
“No problem.” I had to give him a chance, right? Just then I saw a quick movement out the corner of my eye. I stopped. We were at the entrance to that alley. The one that my mind told me was dangerous. I stared forgetting that Jet was standing next to me.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Huh?” I said refocusing on him.
“Are you okay?” he repeated.
“Yeah,” I told him. “It’s just that I get this funny feeling whenever I come by this alley and I could swear that I saw something move down there.”
“It’s probably some homeless person down there and the alley is pretty creepy. And you know that has to be creepy considering the kind of movies I watch.”
“You’re probably right,” I said. I turned back to the alley and saw these red eyes. I blinked and then they were gone. I think I need to get my eyes checked out. I thought to myself.
“Come on Luna. I’ll hang with you until Snow is done with detention, then I have to go home.” Jet said trying to get me to leave.
“Okay. Let’s go to St. Joseph’s. Maybe Nana made some of her chocolate chip cookies.”
“Oh! I miss her cookies. Mary tries but she isn’t a very good cook.”
“Tell me more about life with Mary.”
We walked all the way to St. Joseph’s with Jet making me laugh about all the crazy things Mary does.
When we got there, we were a little disappointed because the orphanage didn’t smell like cookies. It smelled like someone drenched the whole house with cleaning solution. Jet and I exchanged looks and wrinkled our noses.
“Expecting company?” asked Jet.
“Not as far as I know,” I replied. “Nana! I’m home and Jet came with me.”
There was no response. Jet and I looked at each other again.
“Nana!” I yelled. “Where are you?”
Again no response.
“I’ll check down here, you look upstairs,” said Jet.
I nodded my head and went to the stairs as he entered the living room. I went up the stairs quietly. I came to the first room, it was a bedroom and there was something strange about it. Things were thrown everywhere. The mattress was over turned. It looked like someone was looking for something and they were in a hurry. I moved on to the next room. It was the bathroom and was untouched. I was starting to worry. Did someone hurt Nana? Was she kidnapped? I hurried off to the next room. My room!
The door was broken of the frame. My things where everywhere! My clothes were on the ground, books knocked off the shelves, the mattress and pillows looked like someone used a knife to cut them open. I ran over to my secret hiding place behind my dresser. I found my money box next to my dresser. I had saved one hundred dollars and it was gone. I stood there in a state of shock.
Just then I heard a noise coming from the next room. That one is Nana’s. I turned around and almost screamed. Jet was standing in the doorway looking around.
“Holy sugar water, Jet!” I whispered. “You have got to stop scaring me.”
“Sorry,” he whispered back. “What happened in here?”
“I don’t know. Did you hear a noise coming from next door?”
“No. Why?”
“I thought I heard a kind of crashing noise.”
“Well, let’s go check it out. But be quiet. If there is someone here, I don’t want them to know we are here.”
“What do we do if someone is here?”
“We get out of the house and call the police.”
“Okay.”
He turned around and headed out of the run. I followed him, being as quiet as possible - which is kind of hard for me. We reached the door to Nana’s room. It was open but not broken. We heard another crashing noise and stopped dead in our tracks. There was definitely someone in Nana’s room.
We moved to the door and peered in. What we saw was awful. Nana was lying, on her side, on the floor unconscious and there was a man going through her things. I wanted to go in there and ask him what the hell he was doing but something told me to remain quiet. I wanted to go see if Nana was alright, but I couldn’t move. The only sign I had that she was a live was the fact that she was breathing.
“HEY! IS ANYBOBY HOME?” It was Snow. Did she have to be so loud?
The man turned around. He was tall, really tall. He had emerald green eyes and his jet black hair would touch his shoulders if it wasn’t tied back. I couldn’t see the rest of his face because half of it was covered with a mask of some sort. He had expensive clothes on, which tells me he wasn’t looking for money. So, why was my hundred bucks missing? I wanted to ask him this but his eyes had captured my. I felt like I was swimming in a pool of green. I could get lost in those eyes. But then I was moving.
Jet was half dragging me down the hallway. I turned back and saw the mysterious man staring at us.
“God damn it, Luna! Run!” Jet’s voice snapped me out of my daze. I started to run with him. We saw Snow and before she could say a word Jet and I grabbed an arm and carried her out of the house and to the store at the corner.
There Jet called the police and explained what we found. Snow stood by with her mouth hanging open. She couldn’t believe our story.
We told her everything on our way back to the orphanage after Jet was finished on the phone. We were meeting the police there. When we were done explaining everything to Snow, she couldn’t say anything. There were tears running down her cheeks. I saw fear in her eyes. I think she was afraid that Nana was seriously hurt. So was I but I wasn’t going to jump to conclusions until I heard what the police and a doctor said.
We reached to orphanage but there were no cops in sight.
“Were are they?” I yelled. God that guy could still be in there. He could be hurting Nana even more. He could have kidnapped her.
“It might take them a couple minutes. Let’s sit on the curb and wait,” suggested Jet.
Snow was still upset and I felt like I was going to join her. We sat on the curb and we waited and waited and waited. It took the cops an hour to get to the orphanage and they only sent one cop car. I was getting madder by the minute. When something like this happened it usually means the cops don’t believe you. Mean while Nana is in the orphanage, lying unconscious and with God only know what other injuries, if she is still there.
“Okay kids, what’s going on here?” asked the overweight cop.
“Where have you been? We called you about an hour ago.” I practically yelled at the cop. “Someone broken to the orphanage, Jet and I saw him in there, and Nana was lying on the floor unconscious.”
“Hang on there, Laura. You are talking way to fast. Take a few calming breathes and start from the beginnings,” said the pig.
“My name is Luna,” I said trough gritted teeth.
“Why don’t I tell you since I was here,” suggested Jet.
“Alright young man, go for it.”
So Jet told the cop what happened when we arrived at the orphanage, giving as many details as possible, especially when it came to describing the mystery man.
“Well, then,” said the cop. “I better go check on Nana. You kids stay out here.”
The cop disappeared inside the orphanage. About thirty minutes later, he came out with Nana hang on to him for support. I ran to help. She was conscious now but she seemed to be confused. The cop and I lead her to the curb where we had her sit down. Then the cop was on his radio calling for back up.
“Nana? How do you feel?” I asked her in a small voice.
“Like I got ran over by a truck,” she said giving me a tight smile. ”Don’t worry, honey. I’m okay but I don’t want you staying here tonight. We’ll ask Mary if you could stay there for a bit. I think I might have to go to the hospital for a couple of days.”
That’s my Nana. More worried about everyone else when she is the one who is hurt. I sighed and gave her a hug. I knew then that we were going to be okay. Nana was alive. Yes, the orphanage was almost destroyed but that can be fixed. Losing a life couldn’t. Unless you’re a vampire, then your life can’t be taken away from you, except if you’re staked in the heart.
More cop cars and an ambulance arrived shortly after. Jet and I were asked more questions and Nana was taken to the hospital.
There the doctor told me that Nana has a mild concussion and that she is going to have to stay in the hospital for a couple days. Snow had called Mary and explained the situation. She had no problems with letting me stay at her house until Nana was out and the orphanage was declared safe.
Chapter 4
So for the past two days, I have been staying at Mary’s. I am sharing Snows room which is the same shade of blue as her hair. Part of me still can’t believe what happened. Nana was still in the hospital and might have to stay there for an extra day or two. She has been complaining of severe headaches. The doctors think there might be something else going on besides the bump on her head she got from the intruder.
The police haven’t found any clues as to who the intruder was or why he was there. His eyes still haunted my dreams. Those deep emerald green eyes. It looked like they have so much knowledge behind them but they were cold as well, like they could never feel for anything- or anyone. Part of me wanted to get to know the guy behind those eyes but what were the chances that I would see him again.
“You know what you need?” exclaimed Mary. All four of us were sitting at the kitchen table having breakfast. “You need a night out where you don’t need to think about anything that has happened. Jet and Snow are going to this new club tonight. You should go with them, my treat.”
“Thanks Mary but. . .” She didn’t let me finish.
“No “buts’” young lady. You need some fun and you are going because I won’t be home until late. I’m not letting you stay here by yourself. It’s not that I don’t trust you; it’s the fact that I don’t trust everyone else. So you’re going.” I knew with the way she was talking that the decision was made and there was no use arguing with her.
I sighed. “All right Mary. You’re probably right. I could use a night out.”
After that we had to go. Mary drove us to school. The day went by without any special events. No nick, no question about the intruder, no nothing.
Jet, Snow and I walked back to the house to get changed for tonight. I hadn’t brought a lot of clothes for occasions like this so Snow let me borrow some of hers.
“So, this is like a date for you and Jet, right?” Snow asked while tying the strings on her black corset.
“Oh God!” I gasped.”I totally forgot. What with everything that’s happened. Jeez, what should I wear? I want to look nice for him.” I was frantic at this point. After he asked me out, I completely forgot this was mine and Jet’s first date.
“How about. . .” Snow had a bit of amusement in her voice. She went into her closet and came out with a dress no teenager should have. “. . . this?”
Her amusement grew with the look I was giving her. It was a floor length black dress, with no sleeves and it looked like there were spider webs all over it. In her right hand was a pair of high heeled black straps shoes.
“Are you kidding me?” I cried. “I’d probably get arrested for wearing that.”
She was now laughing. “We have to appear to be at least eighteen in order to get in and you would kill in this dress.” I started to protest again but she shoved the dress and heels in my hands and then pushed me into her bathroom so that I could change.
I sighed and started to change. Once I put the dress on, I looked in the mirror. It was clingy to everything. My boobs looked bigger and I had more curves than I could imagine. I shook my head and put on the heels. When I stepped out of the bathroom, Snow gasped in excitement. She had this so planned. She rushed over to me and pulled me to her vanity mirror. There she did my makeup and hair. She made me look seductive with the makeup. My hair was pulled up on top of my head and spilled to both sides and to the back. When she, finally, let me take a look, I didn’t recognize myself. I looked like I was maybe 20.
I turned to look at Snow. She looked amazing. With her black corset, she wore a light blue skirt that was really short, which make her legs look long. Her legs were covered with fishnets and she wore combat boots. She made her face look even paler than normal. She had light blue eye shadow on that glittered along with a dark shade of blue eyeliner. She lips were a frosty blue color.
“Oh yeah! We’re sexy bitches,” remarked Snow.
“Will you two hurry up? If we don’t leave soon, we’ll never get in,” Jet yelled up the stairs.
We both headed for the door. We found Jet leaning against the wall at the bottom of the stairs. When he saw us, his jaw hit the floor and if his eyes were any wider, they would have popped out of his head. As we finished our decent, I noticed that Jet never took his eyes off me.
“You look . . . . .”
“Yes?” I asked, batting my eyes at him.
“Words can’t describe how you look right now,” he finally said. “I mean you always looked beautiful but I just can’t explain how beautiful you are right now.”
“Thanks,” I said, blushing from his compliment. I took the time to check him out. Jet was wearing black leather pants, black boots, and a black button-down shirt with red skulls on it. He looked amazing.
“Hey Jet, pick your tongue up off the floor,” Snow teased him.
“Huh? Oh right. Shall we go?” He extended his elbow to me.
“Sure,” I said taking his elbow. “Oh and by the way. You look incredible.”
I look at Snow and gave her a smile. She turned around and rolled her eyes.
It was 9 o’clock by the time we reached to club. There was a line but it wasn’t very long. As we walked to the end of the line, I couldn’t help but notice that, as we pasted them, the other Goths stopped talking and looked at us. Once we were at the back of the line people continued to stare, until the sound of a motorcycle cried out throw the streets. We all looked to see where it was coming from, when it turned the corner and headed our way. It stopped in front of the club. The rider parked the bike and climbed off. His back was to us but from what I could see he was tall and his hair was extremely black and was hanging loose at his shoulders. Some part of me said that I should recognize this man but I just couldn’t put my finger on it.
He turned around and I swear that I stopped breathing. It was him! The man who broke into the orphanage and hurt Nana. I would recognize those green eyes anywhere. He was looking over the crowd but past right over me like he didn’t remember me. But to tell you the truth, I had no evidence that he was the man whose eyes caught me two days ago.
“Hey, earth to Luna! Wake up Luna!”
“What?” I looked for the person who was speaking to me. It was Snow.
“I said what kind of bike is that?” She looked a bit upset that I wasn’t paying attention to her but looking at this mysterious man.
“She is too busy looking at someone else,” grumbled Jet. That woke me up.
“Jet, it’s not like that. He looks like the guy who hurt Nana. He is the same height, has the same hair and eyes,” I explained to him.
Jet took a good look this time and I saw the surprise in his eyes. I was right. This is the man! Jet looked at me. There was relief in them that showed he was thankful I didn’t want to swoon over him and surprise that we found him.
“Wait one second. You are telling me that tall, dark, and handsome is the guy who broke in?” Snow questioned. Jet and I looked at her and nodded.
“Well, shouldn’t we call the cops?”
“Yeah and get us in trouble too? I don’t think so but we’ll keep an eye on him. Besides we don’t have actual proof that he was the one,” responded Jet.
“He’s right,” I said cutting Snow off. “If he realizes who we are he might follow us back to Mary’s. We don’t want him there. So we do as Jet said. We’ll keep an eye on him but we can’t be too obvious about it. If we are, we could be in serious danger.”
“Okay,” replied Snow.
By the time we finished our planning, we were at the front of the line. The bouncer, who looked twice Jets size, checked our fake IDs’, took our money, and let us in. As the bouncer was looking at our ID’s, I took the chance to look at the bike. It was all black except for some chrome here and there. It was some sort of Harley but I didn’t know which kind. We entered the club and all we could see was red. The hallway walls and ceiling were covered in a crimson red. The floor was covered with a blood red plush carpet. At the end was a door in the shape of a coffin. As we entered the main part of the club, I noticed something. The walls and ceiling were completely black. The only light came from the strobe lights and disco balls. The bar was light up in red and covered in all red materials. The DJ was in a cage with only a desk lamp to show the equipment. Hanging from the ceiling were bats and mannequins, which were dressed as vampires. There were tables, chairs, and couches surrounding the dance floor. They were all different shades of red.
“Cool!” whispered Snow. It was so loud that I could barely hear her.
“Let’s dance!” shouted Jet.
I nodded and smiled at him. Before he led me to the floor, Snow said she would get us drinks and find a table. I gave her a thumb up and let Jet pull me to the middle of the dance floor.
He turned to me, taking both hands, and we just started to lose ourselves to the music. I really started to relax and forget about what had happened two days ago.
I moved closer to Jet so that we wear wrapped in each others’ arms. I think I surprised him with this but I wanted to give a fair chance with this date. Being in his arms was nice. I felt safe since everything happened. I was about to put my head on his shoulder when I notice those eyes staring straight at me.
Those deep emerald green eyes were looking at me. These eyes haunt my dreams at night. They are the ones I wanted to swim in for all of eternity.
I must have stopped dancing because the next thing I know Jet came into view with a concerned look on his face.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Jet asked.
“That guy is staring at me,” I nodded to where the mystery guy was standing. Jet looked in the direction I nodded and made a quick decision.
“Let’s go,” he said firmly, while taking my hand. He led me off the dance floor and to the table Snow had claimed for us. All the while, I could feel the guy still watching me. Our faces must have given away that something happened because she got a worried look on her face.
“What happened?” she questioned as we sat down. “You guys looked like you were having a blast.”
“We were but the guy with the bike was staring at Luna. He was freaking her out,” Jet explained after taking a drink.
“OMG! Do you want to leave?” Snow asked me.
“No!” I snapped. “I’m not letting him ruin our fun. Just give me a sec to collect myself then we can continue.”
“Go Luna! Show him whose boss!” Snow pretty much yelled. I’m surprised the mystery guy didn’t hear her.
“If he comes up to you or any of us, we’re leaving’. I don’t want him hurting you two,” Jet told us.
“Oh so now you’re going to play big brother, huh?” teased Snow.
“Well I am fifteen minutes and forty seconds older than you,” Jet retorted.
So the banter started and I was laughing so hard. But I always had that feeling of being watched. I knew that if I turned around I would find him looking at me. The one time I did look, my suspicions were correct. He was studying me like he wanted to know everything about me. | |
| | | darkangel24
Posts : 784 Join date : 2010-02-15 Age : 40 Location : Somewhere over the rainbow with Dimitri
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Thu Mar 18, 2010 6:15 pm | |
| Cover | |
| | | CryingSoul
Posts : 38 Join date : 2010-03-11 Location : Wonderland
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Thu Mar 18, 2010 8:25 pm | |
| i like the cover...keep writing | |
| | | darkangel24
Posts : 784 Join date : 2010-02-15 Age : 40 Location : Somewhere over the rainbow with Dimitri
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Fri Mar 19, 2010 2:46 pm | |
| | |
| | | darkangel24
Posts : 784 Join date : 2010-02-15 Age : 40 Location : Somewhere over the rainbow with Dimitri
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Fri Apr 02, 2010 5:35 pm | |
| Chapter 5 When the twins were done teasing each other, Snow and I decide to hit the dance floor. We danced, doing some pretty funny moves like the chicken, and laughed and just had fun. I had completely forgotten the mystery guy.
About an hour later, Snow and I decided to take a break. But before I returned to the table I went to the bathroom to check my makeup. On my way out of the bathroom, I bumped into someone.
“Oh. Sorry,” I said. “I wasn’t – “
As I looked at the person I bumped into, I realized that it was the mystery guy.
“Not a problem,” he said in a deep rich voice that just wrapped around me. He had a kind smile on his face. “It happens.”
I was trapped. I couldn’t breathe. His eyes! They were so beautiful. They looked like they have seen a lot but the rest of him looked about my age. I slowly looked at the rest of him. He was tall, a bit taller than Jet. His black hair hung loose around his face. He had on a black button down shirt with the first three buttons undone. The buttons were silver skulls. He looked muscular but not a muscle head. His shoulders were broad. Then he was wearing black leather pants and boots. He was breath taking, which is probably why I stopped breathing in the first place.
“Are you alright?” mystery guy asked me.
I, then, realized that I was standing there with my mouth hanging open he probably could see my tonsils.
“Yeah,” I said coming out of my trance. “I’m really sorry.”
“Bumping into people happens when there are a lot of people around,” he said while taking in the club it was really full. “Or when someone isn’t looking where she’s going.” He still had a smile on his face but this time it looked like mischievous.
“Right. I’ll make sure I watch where I’m going next time. Well, bye.” I was about to make a dash for it when he asked me a question.
“What’s your name?”
“Umm… Sorry I don’t give my name to people I don’t know.”
“Well, I can understand why such a beautiful lady like yourself does that. What if I gave you my name first? Would that be better?”
“Okay,” I said very slowly.
“My name is Drake,” he said. Then he gave a bow.
“Nice to meet you, Drake. I’m Luna,” I said blushing.
“Luna? Do you like the moon?”
“I like everything about the night. It’s when I feel safest and when the vampires come out.” I was trying to make it so that he would lose interest in me.
“Do you believe in vampires?” he mused.
"Yeah, I do. I, like, totally wish I had the money to get my teeth filed so that the look like fangs. Then I would go around and bite all the jerks at my school and anyone who tries to hurt me.” Please believe me. Please believe me. I thought.
“I know some vampires,” he said coolly.
“Really?” I responded with a squeak. I so need to get away from him. He’s the one who hurt Nana. But he is sooo hot. “That is so cool. I can’t believe it. I mean I have been looking for vampires since I was, like, well since I was a baby.”
“Would you like to meet them?” he asked in a super sexy voice.
I think he was trying to put me under a spell of some sort. I read that vampires can make people do things, like walk off a cliff or something. Oh, what’s the name of it? …I got it! Compulsion! That’s it! Only whatever this guy was going wasn’t working on me. Compulsion is easier to use on those without strong wills. Me? I do what I want, when I want. “I would but my friends are probably wondering where I am. So…bye.” I turned to leave.
“Wait,” He sounded desperate.
“What?” Now I was starting to get annoyed.
“I just want to talk and get to know you.”
“Yeah! Well I don’t want to get to know you. I just want to hang out with my friends, especially after the week I’ve had.”
“So being here is a release? Huh. That’s interesting. Do you mind me asking what happened?”
“Yes, I mind. It is none of your business. You are not my friend and I don’t have to stay and talk to you. So once again, bye.”
“Please don’t leave. I don’t need to intrude into your personal life but you just seem interesting. I just want to talk. Please, let me buy you a drink?”
“Hmmm? Let me think about that. Uh. No.”
“Why not?”
Now I was really getting angry. Why won’t he let me leave? Why would he be interested in me?
“Well,” I said ticking the reasons off me fingers. “One, my friends are probably wondering where I am. Two, I don’t take drinks or anything else from strangers because you might slip something in my drink. And three, I don’t know you and I am sooo not interested. So for the last time… BYE!” Then I stormed off before he could say something else. But then I thought the third thing I said…well…that wasn’t entirely true. I was a bit interested but I do not know him. I mean a really hot guy was interested in me and I was interested in him but the conversation we had was creepy in some way. He seemed to want something from me but didn’t know how to ask. Did he realize that I am the girl from the orphanage? Was he like stalking me? Did he want to hurt me or become me friend?
All these questioned made me hurry to the table where my friends were waiting.
“Hey, there you are. Did you get lost or something?” Snow asked.
“No. Just accidently bumped into someone and we got talking. That’s all.”
“Someone you know?” questioned Jet.
“No,” I replied.
“Was it that guy?” He was getting serious.
“What? No! I’m staying as far away from him as possible.” Did I just lie to my best friends? My only friends? Geesh, why did I do that? “You know what guys? I’m think I’m done for tonight? Can we go home?”
“Sure. I’m getting tired myself, to tell you the truth,” Snow agreed.
“Alright, then let’s go,” Jet said getting up.
We walked home and the whole time I stayed quiet. Just thinking about the conversation I had with Drake. Some part of him seemed to be lonely and yet there was a part I couldn’t make out. The way his eyes looked at me, said he wanted something from me. Did he want to date me? Or did he hate me for some unknown reason? If he hated me, why? Besides, catching him in the orphanage, what else did I do to him? The twins didn’t seem to understand why I was quiet but they left me to my thoughts.
When we got home I went to the bathroom to wash the makeup off my face and change into my Batty pjs. After that I went right to bed. I didn’t want the twins to ask me any more questions about the person I bumped into. If Jet and Snow knew it was the mystery guy, they would flip.
I hoped that sleep would take me quickly but it didn’t. I laid awake thinking about Drake. About his eyes. I wondered what his hair felt like. I wondered what it would feel like to be touched by him. But soon enough, exhaustion from dancing and the encounter with Drake made fall into a deep sleep. Chapter 6 So the following week went by quickly, with no Drake sightings and Nana still in the hospital. I’m really getting worried about her. The doctors don’t know why she is having headaches, so they are performing tests to get answers. God, please help Nana get better. I miss her sooo much.
I’m still staying with Snow and Jet at Mary’s. In fact, Mary is thinking if Nana doesn’t get better soon, that she is going to adopt me so I have a safe home. Knowing that I’m safe, I’m sure, will help Nana. That’s the good news but the news I got on Monday made my world shattered.
I was sitting in third period calculus, when a voice came on over the loud speaker.
“Laura Cox, please come down to the principal’s office,” said the female voice.
“OOOOOHHHHH!!!!” Everyone in class was looking at me. I looked at my teacher to make sure he heard the announcement.
“Go ahead Laura and take your things since class is almost over.”
I collected my things and head for the office. On my way I started to wonder what was going on. I mean, I don’t think I did anything wrong. I mean I might give some attitude to the teachers but I always do my homework and do my best not to kick Nick where the sun don’t shine.
When I went in the office the first thing I noticed was that Snow and Jet were there. They wouldn’t meet my eyes but I noticed that they looked…really sad. Seeing them like that made me confused and scared. What’s happening? Is something wrong with Mary? Did we lose our home?
“Miss Cox,” greeted Mrs. Johnson. “Please come in.” She gestured me into her office. I walked into her office. I noticed that Mary was sitting in one of the chairs and she had tears in her eyes.
“What’s going on?” I demanded. “Did I do something wrong?”
“Please sit down Miss Cox,” Mrs. Johnson instructed me. I noticed that even though her words were firm, they were…polite. Mrs. Johnson is never polite to students unless something bad has happened. I was really starting to panic. I felt lost, like something happened and I don’t know what that something is. What the HELL was going on? Mrs. Johnson pulled her chair next to mine and Mary did the same thing.
“Luna? Honey?” Why the hell did Mary just call me “Honey”? “I got a call about an hour ago from the hospital,” Mary seems to have a lump in her throat that she tried to swallow. “They know what’s wrong with Nana.”
“They do?” I realized that my voice was shaking. So I tried to calm myself so that I didn’t sound scared which I was completely scared. “What is it? Is she going to be okay?”
Mary took my hand and gave it a squeeze. With that squeeze, I know the answers to my questions. It felt like someone found a switched and turned it off in my mind. I turned my head and stared out the window.
“They found a tumor on Nana’s brain.” That was Mary, I think. “The tumor is cancerous. The doctor said that it is still in an early stage so……”
Her voice faded and the room faded. All I saw was a picture of Nana and I when I was younger. She took me to the county fair. My first fair. I had ice cream all over my face and a huge grin. Nana was laughing at me and holding me tight, like she was afraid of losing me.
“Luna? Luna! Luna!” It was Mrs. Johnson. I remember now. I was in her office and just learned that Nana has brain cancer. I looked at her. “I understand that this is a bit of a shock for you but with today’s technology and medicines, I’m …”
“I want to see her,” I interrupted her. “I want to go now and see Nana.” I felt like crying but no tears would come out.
“Okay Luna,” Mrs. Johnson said gently. I felt bad for interrupting her but I had to see Nana. I bet this is all a joke. Yeah, that’s it. A joke. This can’t be real. ”You, Jet, and Snow are excused from classes for the rest of the week. I will talk to your teachers and we will send your work home. But know this. If you need to talk to anyone, feel free to come to me or any of the counselors at anytime, okay?” I nodded me head. “Alright, go get your things.”
I got up without saying a word. I mean, Nana is fine. She’s not in trouble. I passed Snow and Jet, not meeting their sad, concerned eyes. I was on a mission now. I had to prove to everyone that Nana was fine. That she isn’t sick. That I could go back to the orphanage with her and live a happy, worried-free life.
“Hey freak girl? What did you get in trouble for? Were you and freak boy caught having sex in the basement?” Nick and his friends laughed. That’s it I had enough of his bull shit. I walked right up to him, gave him an evil smile, punched him in the nose and walked away. I didn’t have time for him now. I had to find Nana.
* * * * * * *
The ride to the hospital was quiet except for when Mary told me I couldn’t just walk up to someone and hit them, not matter how much of a jerk they are or if they deserved it. Jet and Snow tried to talk to me but I wasn’t up for any conversation and they caught on. So I was left with my thoughts.
When we got to the hospital, Mary had to sign us in. Then we rode the elevator to the fifth floor. Mary showed us where Nana’s room was.
“Luna, why don’t you go in first? I’m sure Nana wants to see you alone for a bit,” Mary said in a soft shaky voice. She was still fighting tears but I was about to prove that there was nothing to worry about. I nodded my head and went into the room.
I walked slowly into the room. The lights were dim but I could tell that everything was white. White walls, white ceiling, white sheets, white blanket. Except for the figure that was under the blanket. The figure had brown hair and part of me knew that it use to shine. The rest of the figure was almost as white as the rest of the room. I came to a stop in the middle of the room, somewhat afraid of the figure. It looked human but for all I knew it could be a vampire trying to trick me so that she can get my blood. This figure was pale and thin. I took a step close and noticed that the figure looked like Nana. But it couldn’t be Nana. Nana wasn’t pale and thin. She was bright and fit.
Then the figure opened her eyes and I saw Nana’s forest green eyes. Those eyes were sad and happy at the same at the same time. Why? I asked myself. The figure gave me a small, sad smile and extended a hand to me. I took a couple more steps toward the figure and that’s when I realized that it was Nana. She was sick, really sick. But it couldn’t be! Nana always took care of herself and me. She made sure that all the meals she prepared were healthy. There was rarely any junk food in the orphanage.
“Laura,” Nana said in a whisper.
“Nana?” I felt like crying again but there were no tears. This can’t be. I told myself.
“Come here Laura. I’m having trouble seeing you.”
I wanted to throw myself into her arms but something told me to be careful. That this Nana was fragile and I didn’t want to hurt her. I walked slowly to the bed and took her hand. She looked like she was in agony.
“How about a hug?” she asked me. I bent down to give her a hug and found that she was trying to pull me into bed so that I was snuggling up to her. Just like I did when I was younger and had a bad dream. Nana was my safety net. She was always there for me, no matter what. I climbed into the bed as gently as possible but I could tell it was hurting her. I almost stop but realized on some level that Nana needed this. She embraced me and I cuddled right up to her.
“How are you, sweetheart?” Nana’s question was muffled by my hair.
“Fine,” I lied. I really didn’t know how I was. So far it seemed as if everyone was right and I was wrong. Nana is sick.
She is not alright, like I hoped she was. This wasn’t a dream. “Is it true?” I asked her in a small voice. “Are you really sick?”
Nana sighed. “I’m afraid what you have heard is true. I have brain cancer but there is hope. The doctor thinks that with therapy and radiation, the tumor will shrink.”
“I know you will get better Nana. You have too!” I told her in a small voice. Then we just stay where we were holding each other. I noticed then that I felt exhausted and I’m sure Nana was tired too.
I think I might have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew there was a nurse in the room checking all the machines that were connected to Nana. She gave me a smile and continued with her work. Then everything went black again. I wish I could say that I had a dreamless sleep but I didn’t.
I was standing in front of that alley that always caught my attention and there was a familiar voice coming from it.
“Luna,” said the voice. “Come to me Luna. We need your help.”
“Who’s there? Who needs my help?” I was desperate to see who was speaking to me. I was walking down the alley looking for the voice. All of a sudden I notice something moving in the shadows. I whirled around and Drake stepped towards me.
“We need your help,” he said, almost pleading with me.
“You mean you need my help or are you talking like you have multiple personalities?” Who was this “we” he was talking about?
“My people and I need help.”
“Help with what? And who are your people?” I was confused.
The next thing I knew, Drake was standing right in front of me and I didn’t even see him take a step.
“My people are different. There is something that we all need but our king is making it hard for us to get it,” Drake explained.
“What is it you need?” I asked in a shaky voice because his eyes were glowing with hunger, like I had something to feed him. Then he went for my neck.
I bolted right up, breathing heavily. I looked around and remember that I was in the hospital with Nana.
“Oh sweet monkeys! It was just a dream,” I told myself. I noticed that I was lying next to Nana anymore but she was still fast asleep. I looked to see who had moved me and noticed Jet sitting close by.
“Are you okay?” he whispered.
“Yeah. Yeah, I am. I just had a bad dream, that all,” I told him but it didn’t feel like a dream. It felt like what I dreamed could come true. Did I just have a premonition? No way. I shook my head and looked at Jet. “How long have I been a sleep?”
“About two hours. I saw that you were moving around a lot and I thought you might hurt Nana, so I moved you to this bed. The nurse said it was fine.”
“What about Snow and Mary? Where are they? Has the doctor come by yet to talk? Did they learn anything else?” I was rambling but I had questions and they needed answers.
“Snow and Mary went to get us something to eat. We thought you might be hungry when you woke up. The doctor has stopped by yet so we don’t know anything new,” he explained trying to give me a smile. I also notice he was fighting tears. Why haven’t I cried yet? Do I not feel like they do? Is there something wrong with me?
“Thanks,” I said giving him a small smile. I put my hand on his arm to comfort him and he placed his hand over mine. It felt nice and warm. “Sorry for bombarding you with so many questions.”
“It’s understandable. Nana raised you. She’s your mom. I just can’t figure out how you can be so calm. I don’t think I’ve seen one tear from you.” We looked at each other. I didn’t know how to respond to that. How could I explain what I was feeling? Was I feeling anything? “You’re cold,” he said bring me back from my thoughts. I hadn’t realized that I was shaking and I was cold.
“I guess I am,” I said in a small voice. Jet got up and went to a closet. He came back with a blanket and wrapped it around me. “Thanks.” I gave him a kiss on the check, which caught him off guard. He sat next to me and I placed my head on his shoulder and looked at Nana. She looked so peaceful but I knew there was a war raging on inside her head. “Everything is going to be okay,” I said more to myself but I think Jet felt like he had to assure me. He put his arms around me and pulled my close. We just sat there in a comfortable silence. I noticed that I felt like I had to cry but nothing would come out. God, what’s wrong with me?
Mary and Snow came in the room with bags of Subway and drinks. They looked at us and smiled. I think Jet was embarrassed but I didn’t let he go. They walked over to us and started to hand out the subs, chips and drinks. Until I saw the food I didn’t realize I was hungry.
We sat and ate our subs. Nana woke up and we talked until visiting hours were over. Before we left, I went and gave Nana a hug and a kiss. When I was about to let go she whispered to me, “You don’t always have to be so brave, sweetheart. It’s okay for you to cry in situations like this.” I pulled away and she gave me a smile. “I know you want to be strong for Snow and Jet. You have always done that. Given them your strength when they needed it but it might be time for you to let them give you their strength. Talk to them about how your feeling. Let them in to your heart. Don’t be afraid of what they might think of you. I love you, so much.”
“I love you too, Nana,” I whispered to her.
“I know you do. But because I’m here and you need a permanent home, Mary is going to take custody over you.” I must have had a look of complete shock on my face because Nana laughed. “It’s for your own good and you’ll be able to be with your friends. But you have to promise me that you will come and visit. It can get lonely here and I would like to see a smiling face a few times a week.”
“I’ll try to visit you everyday Nana.” A tear had slipped out and I wiped it away as quickly as possible.
“I don’t want this to affect you school work so how about you visit on the weekends and one day during the week? That would be great for me.”
“I’ll visit you more than that and it won’t affect school. Don’t worry about me Nana. Just worry about yourself and get better. I want some of your chocolate chip cookies…when you get home.” I couldn’t say if because I knew she would be fine. She just had to be.
“I promise to make a big batch of cookies when I get well,” Nana said with a bit of humor in her voice. My comment had brought a smile to her face and I think she knew that she would always be my mom.
I gave her another kiss and left her so she could get some sleep.
Walking to the car I thought about what Nana had said. I had to share what I was feeling but I really didn’t know if I felt anything. Actually I did feel something. I felt numb because there was so much going on. I was sure which feeling to feel first or if I should let them out. Could I talk to Snow or Jet about it? Would they understand how I felt? Should I talk to Mary or Mrs. Johnson? Is there anyone who understood what was going with Nana or with me? God, I hope so or I might just end up hurting someone or maybe I might hurt myself. | |
| | | CryingSoul
Posts : 38 Join date : 2010-03-11 Location : Wonderland
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Fri Apr 02, 2010 6:22 pm | |
| keep going | |
| | | darkangel24
Posts : 784 Join date : 2010-02-15 Age : 40 Location : Somewhere over the rainbow with Dimitri
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Sun Jul 18, 2010 8:17 pm | |
| Chapter 7 When we got home, Mary sent the three of us right to bed. She said we had a long day and need our rest. We didn’t argue with her and trudged up the stairs to our rooms. I don’t know how but the next thing I remembered was that I was in my most comfortable pajamas and lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. I felt exhausted but sleep would not come. I keep thinking that this couldn’t happen to Nana. I wondered if there was a way for me to help her but I couldn’t come up with anything.
Then I was in the alley still embraced in Drakes arms. His lips were pressed against my neck. He was holding me so tightly that I couldn’t really breathe.
“Please don’t hurt me,” I whispered. But my mind was on how soft and warm his lips were against my neck. He was making me feel things I never have felt before. I didn’t want him to stop. I wanted him to kiss my whole body. I just wanted to give myself to him.
“Although your smell is quite tempting, I will not harm our savior,” he said without moving his lips away from my neck. He was so close but not close enough.
Slowly, like it pained him to do this, Drake lifted is head so that our eyes could meet.
“You must help us, sweet dark angel,” he begged.
“How can I help you when I can’t even help someone that I love?” I questioned.
“What do you mean?”
“This woman who raised me, her name is Nana, is sick and there is nothing I can do to help her.”
“This woman is your mother?”
“No…She runs the orphanage. My parents abandoned my when I was a baby,” I explained and Drakes eyes shone with relief but also sympathy. “She found me and raised me. Now she has brain cancer and there is nothing I can do. She might die, she might live. I really don’t know what’s happening and for some strange reason I can’t seem to be able to figure out how I feel.” I was rambling but Drake didn’t seem to mind. I felt a little embarrassed because I told him, out of all the people I could talk to, about what was going on in my head.
“Oh my sweet dark angel,” he exclaimed. Since when did he give me a nickname? I mean I like it but I hardly know this guy. Yet at the same time it feels like I have known him for an eternity. “The world has wronged you. How can anyone hurt such a delicate flower? If it helps you, my angel, I will hunt down the ones who have harmed you and kill them.” Whoa, wake up call. This guy is willing to kill for me? So not necessary! Anyways who could he kill? Nick? Well Nick is a jerk but even he doesn’t deserve death. Hey! Who am I?
I jerked up and looked around. “What a dream!!” Why was Drake so nice to me and wanting to kill people for me? How can he seem to be such a jerk in person and yet so sweet in my dreams? Well, I really shouldn’t be comparing the dream Drake to the real Drake when I have only met the real Drake once. Maybe he is sweet once you get to know him……Nah! That guy is such an ass.
* * * * * * * * *
Tuesday and Wednesday went by quit slowly. I spent most of my time at the hospital with Nana. When I was with her, we just talked about anything and everything, well almost everything. I haven’t told her about Drake and the dreams I have been having about him. Or about how I couldn’t talk to Jet, Snow, or Mary about how I felt about what was happening. I took some of my homework with me because Nana took a lot of naps and I had a mountain of work to do. That night on the way back home, I stopped in front of Night Shadow. What harm could come from just going in for one drink? I mean I really need one with the way this week has been going. I took out the phone that Mary got me and text Snow telling her that I was going to be late coming home from the hospital. In her response she asked if Nana was okay and as far as I knew she was, so I said yes and that I just wanted to spend a little extra time with her. Oh, great! Lying to my friends and new family. Way to go Luna!
I walked quickly to the entrance of the club before I could change my mind. I showed my ID to the bouncer. He waved me in without even looking at my ID. The bouncer looked like he was expecting me. I shrugged and walked in before he changed his mind.
The club was kind of eerie looking since there was barely anyone there. I went to the bar and asked for a virgin Fanged. It tastes like strawberries and looks like blood, which made me start thinking about vampires. They got it so easy. Vampires can live a long immortal life without worrying about and diseases. God if only Nana was a vampire then we wouldn’t be in this mess. A tear slipped out and noticed someone handing me a napkin.
“Thank – “My words caught in my throat as I looked into emerald green eyes. I shook myself once. “Thank you Drake.”
“Your quit welcome, Luna,” he said giving me a smile that just made my heart melt.
“What do you want?” I asked snatching the napkin away from him.
“I thought you might want some company. You look so lonely, sad, and scared. May I ask what is wrong?” He looked concerned but there is something wrong about him. I just can’t put my black nail polished finger on it.
“Actually…I do mind if you ask because it is none of your business. My life. My loneliness. My sadness. My scaredness.” I am so not in the mood to deal with him.
“Okay if you say so,” he said getting up to leave.
“Wait!” I practically shouted but he stopped and looked at me over his shoulder. “Please…don’t…leave. I’m kind of having a really bad week. I’m……sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize. I understand that we all need time to ourselves,” he remarked sitting back down. I noticed I felt a bit better with him next to me. I felt like I wanted to tell him about everything that has happened to me but I just couldn’t. Drake called the bartender over and ordered drinks for us. I thanked him and he waved it off like it was no big deal.
“So,” he said into our surprisingly comfortable silence, “what do you want to talk about? I have a feeling you don’t want to talk about whatever is bothering you so we can just imagine that it never happened.”
“I wish it did never happen,” I whispered.
“Did you say something?”
I guess I said it louder than I intended. “No. Um? Tell me where you’re from. I mean I grew up here and have never seen you out, especially during the day.”
“Well…” he looked thoughtful as if deciding what he can and cannot tell me. We sat there for what seemed to be an eternity, when it was only a couple of hours. Drake was born in England but he came to American before he could speak. He works for a private company as head of security. He likes to read and listen to all kinds of music, except rap. He thinks people who speak in their music are not musicians and it is just weird. He had me laughing at some jokes and some stories of some embarrassing things that have happened to him.
Laughing, I looked at the clock on my phone and realized it was extremely late. “Oh banana socks!”
“What did you just say? Banana socks?” He looked puzzled about my choice of words.
“I don’t swear,” I explained, “so I come up with my own sayings. Must people find it weird but some think it’s funny. The lady who raised me said swearing is never good for the soul but funny sayings make everyone feel good.” I could swear that Drake had lost interest in me, which kind of made me sad, but he nodded his head in agreement. “I have to go. Thanks for a great time. I feel better already.”
“Not a problem. In fact I could give you my number and if you want to talk about anything or everything, you could call me,” he remarked. I was about to protest when he slipped a business card in my pants pocket. I gave him a shy smile and noticed that his eyes sparkled when I did. “Why don’t you let me give you a ride home? It’s getting late and someone as pretty as you shouldn’t walk alone at night.”
“Did you say I was pretty?” Drake looked uncomfortable for the first time. Our eyes were locked on each other. I got that feeling again. I wanted to tell him everything. “It would be really nice of you if you did give me a ride,” I said in a small voice.
“Oh, okay. Let me just…” He put some money on the bar to cover our tab. We got up and walked side by side outside, making up lame jokes on the way. He led me to his car which was a black on black 2005 Ferrari F430. Drake look really pleased with himself when he explained that it had anything and everything a person want. He opened the door for me and I slide into the car. Even the interior was black. So far I really like this car. Did I ever mention that I love black? No? Yes? I don’t remember but now you know. Black is my ultimate favorite color and I really, really don’t like pink, unless it is hot pink. Drake got in and made the made the car come alive along with the Crew, it was blasting from the killer sound system. I felt at home. I leaned back in my seat and told Drake how to get to Mary’s house.
The ride home was great. We listened to a lot of the bands I like and talked a little bit more. It was at the house that things got a bit awkward.
“Thanks for the ride. I appreciate it,” I said, kind of blushing. I was praying that this night wouldn’t end. I had almost forgotten about what was happening to Nana. I felt…normal…for once.
“You are so polite. Do you know that?” Drake said giving me a smile that made me blush even more. Good thing I where a lot of makeup. “I had fun, Luna and I’m sorry if I frightened you the first time we meet.”
“It’s okay and I had fun too. Thanks again,” I said pulling the handle to open the door. “OW!”
“What? What’s wrong?” Drake asked.
I showed him my index finger which was bleeding where my nail was ripped off. “The door does not like me. It ripped my nail off,” I told him. I looked at him and noticed something strange with his eyes. They looked—red – blood red. “Drake, are you okay?”
“I think you should leave now, Luna.”
“What’s wrong with your eyes?”
He looked away from my bloody finger. “Get out Luna. I have to go.”
“Are you…”
“GET OUT!” he shouted at me.
I raced to get out of the car. Before I could really close the door, Drake was speeding away. I stood there shocked. What was that all about? Is he squeamish around blood?
I put my bloody finger in my mouth and went inside to take care of it.
Chapter 8 The following week came and went in a blur. The things I remember are: 1) the doctors are going to remove as much of the tumor, which is on Nana’s brain, as possible and it was happening soon, and 2) Nick started to bully me even more and I’m starting to believe everything that he says. Jet and Snow think I should go to Mrs. Johnson and she will get Nick to stop. But, to almost everyone Nick id a star and stars don’t do anything wrong. I told them that if it gets wore I will see Mrs. Johnson. Although they didn’t like the idea of waiting, they agreed and left it at that. Boy, do I wish I had listened to them.
I was walking to Mary’s house the following Friday night. I just got done visiting Nana and helping her decide that she would have the surgery done on Monday. I hadn’t really realized how upset I was until I felt tears rolling down my cheeks.
“Oh look,” came a familiar and unwelcomed voice from the alley. The alley that always caught my attention. “The freak baby is crying.” Snickers came from the shadows as Nick came into view. “What’s wrong freak? No one loving you? I’ll love you if you want. I’ll make you forget everything.” More snickers from the peanut gallery.
“Leave me alone, Nick! I am not in the mood to play your stupid games dumb ass.” Mocking “oh’s” came from Nick’s buddies as the stepped in to the light, surrounding me.
Come on, monster girl. I thought you liked being with a lot of people. We could help you forget Nana, Snow, school,…...oh and freak boy, whatshisname……Jet. We can make you feel happy.” With a snap of his fingers, the circle of guys started to close in around me. I was about ready to run, or scream, or fight. Anything to get away. But part of me, a growing part, felt like I deserved what was about to happen to me. I mean, I’m the reason Nana is in the hospital. I have caused her so much pain. I gave her that tumor…God, maybe what they are going to do will make up for what I have done. I had no one. Jet and Snow have been distant since Nana was diagnosed with brain cancer. Mary rarely talks to me. No one cares. No one loves me. What the hell? That’s not true. It’s not my fault.
Forcing myself to focus on reality, I realized my situation is getting worst. The dumb asses were pretty much on top of me and I had my back to the wall. They were all making gross sounds and obscene gestures. Their eyes told me they were going to have their way with me whether I liked it or not. Well they are in for a fight. I am not giving them anything to them without fighting for it.
Then one of the gooneys grabbed me and started to rip my shirt off. I had on extremely pointy high heel boots that came up to my knees, so I lifted one of my boots and brought it down hard on the guys big toe. He let go of me but another one came at me. He got a fist in the nose, causing a sickening crack to ring out through the alley. After that guy stopped back, trying to control the bleeding, I noticed that Nick and the other two guys came towards me at the same time. I fought has hard as I could but two of them pinned me to the wall while Nick took the rest of my clothes off. He unzipped his pants and started to rub against me.
“Stop! Get away from me! Help! Someone help me!” I was screaming, struggling to get away, when I felt something trying to get closer to me, or inside of me. I screamed and struggled more as Nick started to rape me.
“Get away from her,” a voice growled from behind Nick. I looked to see who had said it and saw those emerald green eyes. There was rage in those eyes. They were ready to kill anyone who did not listen to them. “I said: get away from her.”
“The girl is with us man. Just leave before you get hurt.” Nick continued to touch me and move is body against me. I whimpered, not liking what was happening. “Get rid of him,” Nick told his buddies. “I don’t want any distractions.”
They started to surround Drake but I had a feeling that they were no match for him. A couple of guys leaped onto Drake pulling him down but he didn’t stay down. Drake throw, actually throw, the two guys out into the street. The other two approached him and started throwing punches but none found their mark. Drake was dodging the attacks easily and with grace that no human had. Drake caught one of the guys fist and seemed to be doing nothing but the guy was cringing in pain until he couldn’t take it anymore. Then I heard the bones in his hand brake. He fell to the ground grasping his hand to his chest. He looked up at Drake and then started to run. The other three follow his lead, leaving Nick pressed against me and Drake coming towards us.
Drake grabbed Nick’s hair and pulled him away. I fell to the ground, curling up into a ball to cover my body. I heard some grunts. When I looked up Nick was lying on the ground unconscious and Drake was cautiously walking towards me.
He stopped in front of me, took off his coat and shirt. Drake bent down and held out his shirt to me. I didn’t dare move. What if he attacked me? From what I saw there was no way I could even lay a finger on him.
“It’s okay Luna.” His voice was gentle, soothing, like I could trust him.
I reached for his shirt and gave a small smile. He turned is back to me and pulled on his coat. I put his shirt on and noticed it smelled sharp and sweet, like wintergreen. I wanted to just sit there, engulfed in his scent.
I finally looked up at him and was startled to find him on his cell phone.
“Yes. We will be here. Yes, he is still here. Okay. Thank you.” He turned to me. “Police. Can’t let him get away with what he did.”
I looked down, not sure what to say. I felt embarrassed for him seeing me in that situation. I felt anger towards myself for letting myself get in that situation. And I felt relief that Drake had come by when he did. Things could’ve gotten worse really quickly.
“Luna?” He was talking to me like whatever he might say would hurt or scare me. “Are you…” he didn’t finish the question because I had thrown myself into his chest. Hesitantly he wrapped his arms around me. We stood there, me crying, him stroking my hair, until the police showed up.
Drake had told the cops what he had witnessed, and what he did to my attackers. I was still sobbing so I couldn’t get a word out. They took me to the hospital with Drake, the EMTs said it was okay since I was so scared and I was shouting for him to come along.
At the hospital, the doctor did a full physical, which took longer than expected since I didn’t want him to touch me. Then he took some blood o run test. He told me the cops had called Mary and that she is on her way her and that they would allow Nana to come see me but I wanted to see Drake. The doctor left and a few minutes later Drake walked in and closed the door.
“How are you?” he asked sitting in the chair next to my bed.
“I’m alive thanks to you,” I whispered to him. “I tried to fight but there was too many. And then I was pinned and Nick…he…” I couldn’t finish what I was saying because I broke into more tears.
Drake got up and sat next to me, enclosing me in a gentle embrace that told me I was safe and that it was okay to cry. “I saw what you did. You hurt two of the men. For fighting and giving up, I am proud of you. You are brave, my dark angel.”
“Really?” He nodded and gave me a sweet smile. Then he leaned down and gave me the softest kiss ever. It took my breath away. I felt like there was no one in the world except Drake and me. Nothing matter except us and being together.
“I’m sorry for the way I acted the last time we were together. Blood has an evil effect on me.”
“You’re squeamish around blood. That’s fine but how did your eyes turn red.”
“It is a trait I received when I was born.”
“How old are you?” He looked to be about a year or two older than me and I’m sixteen. A knock came at the door and started to open.
Drake leaned down so that his lips where next to me ear. “I’m two hundred and thirty five years old.”
He got up and walked to the door to hold it open for Nana. I sat there and stared at him. Before he left, he gave me a wink and gave a bow.
Then I was in Nana’s arms as she tried to comfort me. How can someone be two hundred and thirty five years old? The only people I knew that were that old and looked so young were……vampires. Is Drake a vampire? | |
| | | rose&dimka
Posts : 143 Join date : 2010-05-01 Age : 31 Location : Grove, Oklahoma
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Wed Jul 21, 2010 12:26 pm | |
| amy~ ur writtin is AWESOME!!!!!!
no to be mean but more !!!! | |
| | | ElaBella
Posts : 2202 Join date : 2010-07-21 Age : 30 Location : Wherever the adventure is...
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Wed Jul 21, 2010 1:04 pm | |
| This would be a brilliant book and a great seller I think. I wonder what would happen if you showed it to Richelle Mead. | |
| | | darkangel24
Posts : 784 Join date : 2010-02-15 Age : 40 Location : Somewhere over the rainbow with Dimitri
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Fri Jul 23, 2010 6:04 pm | |
| Do you think I should send a couple chapters to her? | |
| | | rose&dimka
Posts : 143 Join date : 2010-05-01 Age : 31 Location : Grove, Oklahoma
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Fri Jul 23, 2010 7:47 pm | |
| YES YOU SHOULD . AMY DO IT. BELEIVE ME !!!! do it do it do it. | |
| | | darkangel24
Posts : 784 Join date : 2010-02-15 Age : 40 Location : Somewhere over the rainbow with Dimitri
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Sat Jul 24, 2010 9:39 am | |
| Okay, I sent the first 2 chapter to her, asking if she could give me some advice. | |
| | | rose&dimka
Posts : 143 Join date : 2010-05-01 Age : 31 Location : Grove, Oklahoma
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Sat Jul 24, 2010 10:09 am | |
| good job. now its the waiting game | |
| | | Peace love n VA
Posts : 2298 Join date : 2009-09-28 Age : 36 Location : New York
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Sat Jul 24, 2010 10:30 am | |
| Actually, RM is legally not allowed to read things you send her. Anything she reads ( manuscript wise) has to go through her agent or what not. It's a liability issue... if she writes something and a fan swears they wrote it and RM stole it etc etc. Sorry, i don't want to be all pessimistic but i felt bad thinking of you waiting for a response that may not come, u know? I only know this cause I researched it- I want to be a author one day too. | |
| | | darkangel24
Posts : 784 Join date : 2010-02-15 Age : 40 Location : Somewhere over the rainbow with Dimitri
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Sat Jul 24, 2010 5:59 pm | |
| | |
| | | Phoenix
Posts : 575 Join date : 2010-07-01 Age : 29 Location : Dimitri's bed
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Sun Jul 25, 2010 12:22 pm | |
| I'm hope you're ready for some constructive criticism because I'll be totally honest I caught quite a few spelling mistakes and you changed the tense a few times. These are understandable mistakes in the first draft, but you should make sure to edit what you write, or better yet have someone edit it for you, especially if you're planning on trying to actually publish it, like you mentioned. About your writing style in general, it's good, but I would like to say that the same rule always applies - the more you write, the better you write. So keep going and as the time goes on you'll see the progress. As for characterization, I like the character of Drake the best. You managed to make him mysterious and intriguing. When you listed the characters, you stated that he doesn't care about humans and it changes with Luna. I have a feeling this change of heart is a bit too sudden, though. He didn't get a chance to meet her, he only saw the way she looks and he was already intrigued and became gentle toward her. I didn't go into depth exploring the other characters because I was mostly interested in the main ones, so here's my opinion on Luna. The vision of her you set up with the first chapter is not the same I got from her narrative throughout the rest of the story. But I guess the first chapter is more of a representation of what other people see her. All in all, she's a fine character and you managed to make her realistic. Vampires in general are an extremely overused theme nowadays and I wouldn't recommend going in that direction, especially if your concept of vampires is something already seen. At this point in your story, I still don't know much about your concept so I guess I'll have to wait to make a comment on that one. The cover is really awesome, it would get my attention immediately if I saw it in a bookstore. Did you make it yourself? Now onto details. Drake's excuse about his eyes being red is definitely not something believable, but Luna obviously doesn't have a problem with unbelievable things, considering she believes in vampires and he was quite straightforward after that, giving her a clue about the truth so it all fits in. I would like it, though, if you would explain it some more, why Luna believes in vampires. It would be nice if you had a background story for that. The scene when Nick and his friends are about to rape Luna reminded me a lot of Twilight and I just knew that Drake was going to show up, which is not a very good thing. I must say that while I like the fact you're quite brave with your writing - you don't shy away from difficult scenes - I still would have preferred it if that scene was written differently. Maybe I'm not being objective on this one but I didn't like it. It was at the same time not realistic enough and yet too realistic. Yeah, I'm useless when it comes to commenting that scene. Just ignore me That would be it, I guess. I hope I wasn't too rough or too thorough and boring I always prefer constructive criticism over praise (even though praise is of course enjoyable and it usually makes my day), because it's what makes me better, you know? So that's what I wanted to give you. I hope you don't mind Anyway, I like it and I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next. Keep writing and good luck with the story and hopefully publishing | |
| | | darkangel24
Posts : 784 Join date : 2010-02-15 Age : 40 Location : Somewhere over the rainbow with Dimitri
| Subject: Re: I started to write a story. Sun Jul 25, 2010 12:35 pm | |
| Thanks Maris. I appreciate it. I have corrected most of the spelling mistakes, with help from family, and I think the tenses have been fix. The character sheet that I posted, was more for my info when I typed it but I felt like I should give you guys a general feel for the characters. I know the characters have change but as I write the book a lot has changed. I like to hand write the chapters first then type them. When I type them I change the chapter. I never truely stick to what I wrote. You were not too rough or too thorough. I got what I asked for, so thank you. | |
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